When I wrote my blog last week, I did it with the intention of finally releasing my true thoughts and feelings. I wrote it as a way of proving to myself, I was not ashamed. Not being true to yourself is so tiring and mentally exhausting.
I am now strong enough to stand up and have my story heard; I want to be counted, no more pretending. My silence is dead and buried.
I didn’t expect the love and support I received from wonderful friends, some I hadn’t spoken too in years. The words I wrote were for me….I was proving a point to myself….I am no longer ashamed of what happened to me, my abuse no longer defines the person I am.
I realize now; for the longest time I believed I was abused because of the person I was.
Now I know the truth; I was abused, it was something that happened to me, not because of me. Making this realisation has been one of the most important connections for me. It wasn’t until I was able to understand; I am not my abuse that I could move forward in life, healing and make decisions for myself, based on what is healthy for me.
This is an entirely new way of thinking, being and living. It feels completely foreign and unnatural. I question myself constantly, wondering if I am making the right decision, what the consequences are, and how will my decision affect others. Ultimately, I know it will get easier and become natural to make choices based on what is best for me. Ironically, I feel selfish for my new way of thinking….being selfish and inconsiderate is one of the accusations I faced multiple times in the past. I knew in my heart it wasn’t true…and that’s probably why it hurt so much. I constantly question myself….the negative voices of the past are still loud.
The recent events along my healing journey have taught me so much….I am continuously learning, learning to be me. I used to think I had to avoid conflict and pain…so I compromised how I thought and acted to protect others, while sacrificing myself.Not only was I being manipulated, I was manipulating myself to fit in to the family unit.
Now it is like I have no other choice but to be me, truthful and honest. I never thought I could get to that point…but I have and am.
I feel devastated and conflicted, because I am left in a place I didn’t ever want to be; isolated from my family. I know my new found strength and voice has come at an extremely high cost, but funny thing is….I wouldn’t trade in being heard and my voice for relationships built on secrets and lies.
I have felt like I’m in limbo, or a holding pattern for a while…just stuck and I didn’t know why?
Having come through another challenging and difficult time, I now see why I felt stuck, because I wasn’t being true to myself. Every time I tried to assert my thoughts and feelings, they weren’t heard or were discounted ….it sort of feels like I was stuck in limbo while I gathered every last bit of strength for the war ahead. With the new light of day, I realise that I would not have been strong enough to face the recent battles any other time but now. As an adult I have the support of my wonderful husband, kids and wonderful friends. All the people who are currently in my life know and accept the real me.
Reflecting on the recent events my heart still hurts; for what is and was lost, never had and understood.
I want to start doing things that I have always wanted to do.
I want to be who I want to be.
I want to wake up every morning feeling like I deserve to be in my life.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
Most of all; I just want to be happy.
Until next week,
Love and big hugs…..Tenille…xoxoxo
