Emotions and memories are released slowly as the mind and body can handle it. It’s a process, not a race.
My healing journey can be likened to a thawing iceberg.
It will take years to get to the core, but eventually as the ice melts and is weathered by the elements of life all can be released, processed and dealt with as time allows.
One of the most challenging aspects for me, during my healing journey is coming to terms with things I was taught and told as a child and believing them to be true, then and now. I am slowly coming to the realisation that it is these false beliefs or lies, tainted with internalised shame and guilt designed to invade self-image and worthlessness which I believe contributed to keeping my silence surrounding my childhood abuse.
Recently I have been reading “Healing Sex” by Staci Haines. I have read a lot of helpful information in this book. I am better able to make sense of things that are happening for me if I research or read it.
For me knowledge is definitely power!
I love learning!
The most empowering piece of information from this book so far is; as a child I, like many other survivors could not separate myself and my behaviours from the abuse. I made sense of the world around me by believing the abuse was happening to me because of me and my behaviour. I thought it was my fault. I am now discovering that the abuse was not my fault, it happened to me, but not because of me. Logically I know and understand this, but emotionally it’s difficult to feel the same way. Reading this in a book provides me with concrete evidence of the truth.
I can read it and know it.
Reading this, it was not the first time I have heard it, but I suppose it’s going to take a while to sink in. I know this is the truth now, I have to tell myself enough times until I believe it.
False beliefs are like an infestation of termites destroying the structural foundation of a house, chewing through every fibre of wood until the dwelling finally collapses. My true self was eroded by negative thoughts, words and deeds, put simply; it wasn’t until I began on my healing journey at Heal for Life in the beginning of 2013, that I began to realise I didn’t know me at all! I thought I knew who I was. It was extremely confronting coming to the understanding that my body was merely an empty external shell filled with internal self-hatred, blame, shame and guilt. Through my recent work in therapy I have started to challenge the false beliefs and lies I believed were me. By replacing the lies with my new found truths, my eyes are opening to new possibilities and hope for the future.
Each time I am able to push the negative beliefs aside and replace it with my “authentic belief” I am able to learn more about my true self and who I am meant to be. By challenging “false beliefs”, I am now able to make decisions with a clearer perspective of what I want and need, based on what is best for me. I am learning this is an important part of honouring who I am and want to be authentically, not what others said I was! However in difficult times it amazes me how quickly and easily I fall back into old ways of thinking. The difference now is I can recognise when this is happening and challenge my negative self-talk, by replacing negatives with positives.
I am learning not to be so harsh on myself when I fall back into old patterns of thought. I am realising my healing journey is not a success only journey. Mistakes and mishaps are things I can learn from and ultimately grow stronger. As long as I am living in my own truth, beliefs and values I am honouring the true me and who I am meant to be!
Until next week,