Most of the time I can’t figure out how the universe works; but reflecting on my life experiences recently I have reached an understanding of everything being part of a bigger picture, which I am not in control of. I now have an understanding of my silence as a child, knowing I did what I did to survive and keep my family safe, not because I was weak and worthless. One of the most challenging aspects of my healing journey is stepping backwards in order to move forwards. Learning about different triggers and the process of de-triggering at my healing weeks at Heal for Life has been an invaluable strategy in my healing toolkit. I am more in tune with my emotions and feelings and the different ways they present in my physical body. I now see anger as a symptom of something not being right and reflect on what is happening and what needs to change. When I am feeling angry the insides of my body feels like it is shaking, like a volcano waiting to explode. In the past, I was able to stuff that feeling back down, deep inside and put on a smile….now I think that’s starting to change.
It’s very difficult knowing where to start. It’s seems like for the longest time I have been denying important parts of myself. I didn’t realise I was only doing what I had learnt from childhoodand thought was right as an adult; which was; what I had to say wasn’t important and I didn’t feel worthy enough to be heard. I was also petrified of harsh judgements and repercussions of family and friends. Some of my worst nightmares are now reality, but I will stand strong in my truth and my new found confidence and clarity. I am learning that I cannot change others; I can only focus on myself. This has been a difficult realisation to reach…and heartbreaking, but on the other side I feel empowered, knowing my emotional maturity is growing. I am finally starting to put my own wants and needs ahead of what others feel is important.
I have paid the price while keeping everyone else happy; I have not been happy. I have had to suck it up, put on a brave face, my social mask that tells everyone I’m alright….when truth be told, on the inside I’m in pieces, unable to tell which way is up! I have discovered it is during times like this that I learn the most about who I am and most importantly, what I want. During difficult emotional times I tend to reflect a lot.
Reflection, for me usually takes the form of writing or drawing. Journaling for me is essential because it takes me out of my own wordlessness, when I am stuck and unable to express verbally what is going on for me, I write. For me the connection of my pen to paper is the key that unlocks a world that was once silent, too painful to acknowledge as reality. The words I journal are like pieces of a puzzle, that are slowly starting to make sense. At times I need to draw. Drawing is another way I have learned to process my trauma. I am lucky enough to have been given the ability to sketch and draw, funnily enough I was never good at art at school, but I loved the process of making. It wasn’t until after school, I decided to study art and develop my skills, which are like a lifeline for me now. I never thought the art of drawing would be so beneficial in my life, but I am grateful!
I think one of the most important things I have found during my healing journey is finding a way that is comfortable for me to express my inner world….sometimes writing, other times drawing, or a combination of both. The answer is different for everyone and unfortunately, as I am learning, there is no quick fix…just lots of hard work and reflection.
Until next week, Big love & hugs…Tenille…xoxox