So much has been lost and stolen; sometimes I think I am in this world to be disappointed and let down and rejected; it happens so often; however every time I am surprised and heartbroken; I am no longer emotionally isolated by my own fear; shame is no longer my invisible prison; maybe that gives them all a reason or excuse to cut me from their lives; each knows the part they played in allowing, tolerating, ignoring and accepting actions from the dark; I don’t know, but it’s the only sense I can make of this nonsense situation.
With so much negativity and anger violating my world; constantly and relentlessly, I wanted and needed to express my gratitude and appreciation to the wonderful people who do support me in healing and in life. For almost 17 years there has been one person by my side; holding my hand and lifting me up when I don’t have the energy to stand alone anymore. The following piece is an open letter to my husband Sean.
17 years ago, when we met I never thought you would stick around long enough to truly know me. It was your brightly coloured shirt I saw first, but I knew there was something special about you. I couldn’t put words to it; you made me feel different, you opened my closed heart; when I was with you I felt accepted and loved. I don’t know why you chose to love me, but I’m glad you did.
Last night when we spoke, you told me something, which showed me the type of person you are; you said…..”I am the luckiest man in the world….I get to call you my wife, but better than that you are my friend…you are an awesome friend to so many people, including me, and so many people love you”.
Sean, you make my world bearable. On the days when it all seems too overwhelming and raw, you make it ok. Your messages of love and support come just when I need them. You always have time for me, no matter what hour of the day or night.
You hold me when I am too weak to stand; you see the good in me when I am blinded by negativity and self-hatred; you were the first person to ever protect me and stand up for me; you are one of the few people in this world to truly believe in me; you are the one person who single handily taught me to trust and love; you showed me what unconditional looks like; you have an unbelievable ability to love me through the pain and the worst times, which at times seems endless; you put light into the darkest night and make me feel safe; you have dried so many of my tears over the years and you are still here. You have seen me at my absolute worst; at times my anger has been misdirected at you and you still loved me; you are able to see through my mask of anger to the pain that lies beneath; your love has made me a better person; you know all of me and still love me.
Sean you are the most awesome Dad I know; our children are lucky to have you as their Dad; nothing gives me more joy, than to see you with our kids; my heart sings on the inside because I know our children too will always have your unconditional love and support through their lives; together we have built a strong family which loves and accepts each other; I was nervous about becoming a parent, all those years ago because I didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of my childhood; I know our children are safe and the cycle of abuse and deceit has stopped with me; you love and protect all of us; you have given me the strength to fight on for our family and for what is true and right.
Sean, you have been there to pick up the pieces and guide our children when I was lost in a world of pain and heart ache; you give me what I need, whether it’s time to sleep; space to think or holding my hand, telling me it’s going to be alright. I love that you know this without even asking.
I never thought in my wildest dreams, I would be lucky enough to meet a man like you; you are the opposite of all I knew from childhood; by loving you, you have opened my heart to all the possibilities in life and love.
I wanted and needed to write all this down in a letter to you; I wanted you to know I truly love you with all heart and soul; I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me and our family; I admire the selfless person you are, as well as your strength and determination to make everything ok; I love how you love me; you make me feel safe and loved; I know when I’m with you I belong; you have given me so much that money cannot buy. There are no words to explain what my heart feels for all you have done for me; thank you so much…love you always and forever…xoxoxoxox
Until next week….big love and hugs……Tenille..xox