From what I can gather from this journey so far; healing is piecing together the broken pieces of the past to find peace, now.
It’s what I am learning and living. It’s frustrating, heartbreaking and confusing, but at the same time there’s a certain amount of peace which comes once the dust settles. Truth brings peace and strength; strength to face whatever is put in my path next; strength to process and release the next frozen memory from my past.
Recently I have been to trying to process memories and feelings from the past. Problem is there has been so much going on for me, the best way I thought I could deal with it; was to avoid it; I pushed it (the memories) back down inside. I knew this was only a temporary fix; however at the time it was happening I couldn’t deal with everything all at once. I stopped writing, because for me writing in my journal is one of the ways I get answers. I didn’t want any more answers, but unfortunately triggers keep popping up, more frequently until I deal with the truth. I find the strength to walk back into the past, to be able to move forward healing.
Putting the broken pieces of the past back together to find peace in the future.
My body knows the truth; I feel it like it happened yesterday; releasing memories is painfully difficult and uncomfortable; uncomfortable too is finding words to express my experiences; piecing the pieces back together seems impossible; a task too massive for just one person; but one person I am.
Mind thaws, memories are released; a song; an object; a smell; a stance; a word or phrase; a time or date; a glance; a touch; a look; a sound; a place…..triggers are like links to the past, a past once locked away deep inside. Triggers are my keys to the past.
The past is like a deep dark hole with no visible bottom, the darkness hides the depth and no light is strong enough to touch the bottom. The end seems endless.
Being able to speak and voice experiences of my childhood is similar to shining a torch in the darkness. Heart racing, mind numbing, stomach churning.
Lost again in a world of torture and chaos.
A feeling of doom consumes me, like a dark cloud over my head.
Never again will I be left in darkness; voiceless and silent; frozen in fear and terror. Words stuck in my throat. The absolute worst has happened over and over; I could see no end; But end it did; and I am still standing.
I find it challenging to find the words I need to voice all that took place all those years ago. Fear still has a firm grip on me, arms reach long and strong. I know I am safe, but there are times when the past doesn’t seem that far behind me….I am right back there; suffocating, drowning and breathless. All concentration is consumed with staying present and making it through each day, bit by bit. These times call for patience and persistence, with myself and others. My emotions run high and deep…I feel lost in the deep dark tunnel; not knowing with way is up, all I need is a pinhole of light.
Light makes fear disappear; sunlight thaws ice with time, dissolving into the vast ocean, becoming one. Flowing and moving as the current travels. Balanced and peaceful, rocking, cradled in natures arms, safe from harm.
This is how I want to feel, calm and peaceful in my heart.
Ironically, I know the only way I am going to get there is by working through each trigger and memory as they happen. That old saying “You can’t have the good, without the bad” seems to hit the mark with how I’m feeling right now.
Until next week,
Love and big love,
Tenille…xoxoxox
