I have been struggling recently. It seems every time I think I’m getting on top of everything, I’m pulled back down. Sometimes I can’t even put my finger on exactly what is going wrong, all I know is I feel really bad. Usually when I feel like this, I am able to either draw or write; and I figure out what is going on. Writing and drawing calms my mind.
However, even drawing and writing has presented massive obstacles recently. For some reason I have been unable to find the appropriate words to write down to express my inner feelings and emotions; it has been incredibly frustrating to not be able to writehow I feel. It felt like being plunged into darkness once again, stuck in wordlessness and voiceless and isolated.
As I couldn’t find the words to write, I thought I could try drawing. As I held my pencil and it started to sketch across the page, I became even more frustrated with myself, because what was coming out on the page wasn’t what I wanted or felt like I needed to express. The problem was I could see exactly the image that has repeated over and over in mind, but for some reason I was unable to draw it on the page. For me, usually I am able to draw what I like and it works….so for it not to work was just a whole different level of frustration!
Not being able to draw or write left me feeling hopeless; mostly because I knew there were things stuck inside that I needed to express and couldn’t. It left me feeling like I was stuck back in the past; angry, absolutely exhausted and frustrated. Not being able to express myself also left me feeling very angry; during these times my anger would unleash in the wrong direction; to the wrong person; in my mind I knew that, but I felt such anger and needed to release it.
One thing I have learnt over the past year or so is that; this journey is like a rollercoaster; lots of ups and downs and loops; I just have to hold on and wait for the storm to calm. It is in the calmer times I am able to catch my breath and gain strength, for whatever is to come next.
Something very interesting was pointed out to me the other day in a conversation. I was talking about my frustrations in not being able to draw and write and what that could mean. After discussing what I was trying to draw and the memories and experiences attached to that; an interesting observation was made; it was suggested maybe not being able to draw and write was because I don’t need to rely on it so heavily anymore. Maybe all that worked really well while I needed it (to be able to express what was happening and had happened) but now I can speak. I have a voice and I will use it.
That thought had not even crossed my mind. I am happy that someone else could see it from a different perspective. I simply saw it as a source for further frustration and felt like I was sinking in quicksand, stuck and unable to move forward. After our conversation I felt a little lighter, because I was able to talk about issues and memories which had been surfacing recently. This time one year ago, I was not able to do that; my voice was buried deep inside me.
Funnily enough, after the conversation I had (and a day of getting creative, painting with my students), I am able to write again tonight. I think sometimes I get stuck doing things in a certain way and lose sight of what is actually happening and the reasons behind it.
This conversation reminded me to always take the time to step back, breathe and stay mindful; in doing that I will always make the right decision for the place I am in at any given time.
Reflecting on me and how I am, I am realising I am the way I am because of the experiences I have had. Right or wrong I have had to deal with a lot of different circumstances by myself and for myself.
I now realise I internalise everything. This is not always a good thing and I am learning to let others help, because I don’t have all the answers. I never really thought I knew all the answers; I suppose I just didn’t feel worthy of having an opinion or taking a stand.
Now, after all that has happened and what I know and have learnt a long the way; I know I can never go back to the way I was; it seems absolutely unbelievable to me that I thought like that; I thought (from what I was taught as a child) that what I wanted always came second to what others wanted.
It has taken me a long time to find the strength to stand up for myself and speak about past experiences and realise how all of that has impacted on how I think, am and be. One of the biggest challenges for me is being able to objectively confront my old way of thinking and replace that with a new way of being.
Healing is definitely an exhausting journey, but worth it. As I sit and reflect on all the events and experiences of past I am left feeling humbled. I take strength in knowing I am still here; stronger and able to stand up for myself; able to speak and most importantly be heard.
Until next time,
Big love and hugs…..Tenille..xoxox