I have been actively trying to avoid writing because I was feeling like I needed time to process everything and couldn’t find the energy to express it all in written word. Tonight I find myself unable to concentrate or focus on anything for a length of time; I know it’s time to write it all down and share.
As it turns out my life has a new normal; almost everything I knew as “normal” is gone and what I thought was the truth, was not! Up until recently I didn’t question what I was told, I just blindly believed; I had no reason to think I was being lied too or deceived. As a child I was moulded into what others wanted me to be or not to be; I was made to be the easy target for predators; unprotected and isolated; growing up I always felt like I didn’t fit in, I wasn’t accepted, I felt different, but the strange thing was I thought the way I felt was normal and that everyone felt the same as me. Turns out I was wrong!
I was always closest to my Dad; all my memories of him are loving and happy; when I think of my Dad I feel a sense of peace, he was definitely a calming force in my life; we are both very similar in the way we are. In my heart I always knew, Dad would have been there if he could have. I didn’t ever understand the reason behind him leaving, and never questioned or asked; I just believed what I was told.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would get all the answers I wanted and needed. I took a huge leap of faith and made contact in the hope I could get the answers I so desperately needed. I stepped way outside my comfort zone because I knew it was time to hear the truth and most importantly, I felt strong enough to have the conversation. I knew my Dad would be honest with me; all I have ever wanted is honesty and openness; not ducking, weaving and changing history as it suits.
My Dad is my hero.
He never spoke poorly about anyone; while I was with him I knew I was protected and loved. My Dad is an incredibly strong man;He is one of only a few people who have ever put what was best for me ahead of what he needed at that time. So much time has passed between then and now; I know it was heart breaking for him, but he waited, because he put me first; he is selfless. He didn’t just say “I love you”, he showed me through actions. When I was with Dad I knew I was safe. Most importantly, I knew he loved me, I felt it!
Honesty and openness is a quality I value a great deal in any relationship, especially with my Dad. It is a strange feeling coming to terms with my life’s “new normal”, and for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of peace inside. Maybe because everything is where it’s meant to be for right now; all I know is it feels right. Still I find myself second guessing all that is happening, but I keep reminding myself;
“I’m in the right spot, for right now….and it’s alright to feel happy and calm”.
That must be what normal feels like.
Pieces of the puzzle are slipping into place more and more; however unlike before, I feel a sense of peace with all that is happening; I think it’s because I am ready to know the truth.
One interesting thing I have learnt along my healing journey is; there are a lot of things that are out of my control, however as I grow stronger and more assertive there are also elements which are well within my control. I now know and believe I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect; and only have those in my life who honour that. I also am no longer afraid to face the truth and tackle it head on….the worst is over and was only being prolonged by hiding the truth and sitting stagnant in silence.
Most of all I know I deserve peace and calm in my whole self. I deserve to know what that feels like and realise in order to find that, there are times I will be called to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith. I will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward….in love and peace…..
Until next week,